


Corners

by Yourfriendlyneighborhoodficwriter



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Introspection, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-04
Updated: 2019-01-04
Packaged: 2019-10-03 21:20:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17291645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yourfriendlyneighborhoodficwriter/pseuds/Yourfriendlyneighborhoodficwriter
Summary: Yuzuru's first day back in Japan after his stay in Canada to pursue a career opportunity, during which he had broken up with Shoma.





	Corners

The massive clock on the wall reads three o’clock, Yuzuru sighs as he waits for his luggage to appear. It’s cold. It’s snowing outside and the cold is creeping inside the airport. Somehow, the cold of Japan is different from the cold of Canada… more familiar, if colds can be familiar.

He takes his two bags and gets into the first taxi he spots, old songs he remembers from his childhood come from the radio as the driver quietly hums along, it only adds to the surge of nostalgia Yuzuru has been feeling since the morning.

He arrives at the hotel to drop his bags, he dismisses the idea of eating there, he’s had enough hotel food, and airplane food, and workplace food, he wants a home cooked meal but he’s also had enough of his own, not-so-good cooking, he misses his mum’s cooking, and for a second he regrets not going directly to Sendai, but he reminds himself that he needs this day to gather himself, he will have some time to spend with his family, he doesn’t want to go back looking exhausted and sad, so this day of gathering himself was important, he tells himself as he tries to find a ramen shop he knows.

Ramen is good, he also tells himself, as the steam clouds his glasses, he takes them off. He’s reminded of the time he made ramen for Shoma and himself, in an attempt to convince Shoma that it was so good it would beat the best yaki niku he’s ever had.

Yuzuru hadn’t had ramen during his stay in Canada at all, again a familiar feeling fills his senses, again it’s bittersweet.

He looks down at his bowl, now almost empty, he hears close sounds from surrounding people, whispers and shouts and laughs, but they all fade as his mind replays the sound of Shoma’s laugh again and again, when he tickled him after he said he still preferred his meaty meals, when he tickled him again just to hear him laugh, when he tickled him yet again just to get a few inches closer, his laugh finally silenced by Yuzuru’s lips pressed to his.

His mind stops at that second, he closes his eyes to try to remember it, but it goes back to black, like his mind refuses to let him relive that memory, like it was forbidden territory.

He shifts his focus back to the bowl, he pays and leaves quickly.

 

.

 

He heads back to the hotel, greeted by the receptionist’s smile, he finds it in him to repay her smile, hands tucked in his pockets and face just barely visible behind a scarf.

The elevator ride seems too long, like he just wanted to reach the bed and those 7 floors going up in the elevator were a marathon run, he nearly collapses by the finish line, barely manages to take off his shoes and jacket and scarf and plumps onto the bed.

He somehow wakes up even more tired, like he was sleeping on stones, like his neck was stiff and his head was being beaten with a stick. He lay on his back for a while, staring at the ceiling, the room feels immensely huge, and he feels tiny, he wants to curl up on himself but it feels like no power in the world could move him now, so he just lay, staring at the ceiling.

It was similar, yet so much different, when he was laying on his bed, staring at the ceiling of his previous Tokyo apartment, with Shoma laying by his side, completely silent. Yuzuru knew why _he_ was so silent, he could barely think over the loud beating of his heart, he feared that saying what he wanted to say was crossing a line there was no coming back from, his stomach was doing weird flips and he had always thought he could keep his emotions under control but his body was betraying him now, palms sweaty and heart pounding, making his mind trip over the few words he thought he had prepared.

He clenched his fist, to signal to himself to start, but he was interrupted by Shoma turning to face him, head resting on his palm, he looked at Shoma from the corner of his eye, he was smiling, looking from the corner of his eyes wasn’t enough to take in Shoma’s smile, so he turned to face him, but even turning to face him wasn’t enough to fully take in his smile, he wanted to engrave that smile, imprint it onto his mind and keep it with him forever.

“Why didn’t I meet you earlier?”

 

.

 

He gets up. How can staring at a hotel ceiling be so sad?... He curses time, curses work and curses unspoken words. Suddenly the room feels too small, he feels like he’s suffocating, and so he flees to the crowded streets of Tokyo, he blocks out everyone, he walks and doesn’t notice faces, he doesn’t hear voices, but his own. He checks his phone, the clock reads 4:50, and his lockscreen is still a picture of a sunrise from his balcony, when he had stayed up talking with Shoma all night until the sun rose, and then they both took pictures of it and used it as their lockscreens, he looks at it again, and wonders what Shoma’s lockscreen is now.

 

“I don’t think I can ever leave Japan”

Shoma had told him, and he never did, Yuzuru never dismissed the idea because he always thought better chances could come along, and so when they did, he left. Maybe Japan meant to Shoma so much, and maybe Shoma cared more about his happiness and comfort than he did about success, and maybe Shoma was too lazy. No, he was definitely not too lazy, he approached things differently, and Yuzuru always admired that. And now looking back at the time he spent in Canada, it was successful, but it was hard, and some days he thinks it was worth it, and other days he thinks it wasn’t, today was one of those days.

 

.

 

He finds himself near the bakery close to his previous apartment, he hesitates but goes in, he’s greeted by the old lady that always worked there, he lets out a sigh of relief, he was afraid he’d walk in to find things different, she was so old, and so nice, and she remembers him, and he smiles back at her widely, she asks how he’s been, and he replies that he’s good, and that he’s back, and her smile grows bigger and his chest feels tight. He would hug her, if he could, but he just points at something to order and asks her to say hello to her grandson and leaves.

It’s all still the same, only he is different, and he wishes he can dissolve into the parts of the city that he holds dear, so close to his heart. Where he lived his happiest memories, and his saddest memories, it’s all a part of him, and it’s all still the same, only he feel so different.

“Tell your kind friend that Ryosuke misses him” The bakery lady had told him after he asked her to say hello to her grandson, he remembers how Shoma used to play with him sometimes, show him yoyo tricks and give him manga books, he remembers the bakery lady’s fond smile at them, she loved Shoma, and Ryosuke did too, and maybe it’s his fault Shoma doesn’t visit them often anymore, Ryosuke is almost two years older now, and maybe he lost interest in yoyos and manga. He holds onto the image of a younger Ryouske playing with Shoma in the back of the bakery, he holds back his tears, and continues walking.

 

It's almost an unconscious act, how his legs found the road from the bakery to his old apartment, it’s an ordinary building, nothing special about it to the unknowing eye, but it was so special for Yuzuru, the best days of his life were spent there.

When he first moved to Tokyo for his job he was so scared, he’d never lived by himself, he’d never lived in Tokyo, he’d never had a job, and the change was overwhelming. It didn’t help that he was an all or nothing kind of person, he wanted to absorb everything, all the experiences, all the emotions, and sometimes it became too much, and when it did, it was always having Shoma around that helped him, how he approached things with slow, steady steps, how collected and strong he was, it was so calming and grounding. When Yuzuru was panicking the day before the interview that would determine if he gets to go to Canada Shoma suggested they go out to take his mind off the stress, when they arrived back at the gateway of his apartment he was still nervous, still fidgeting, and so Shoma stopped and turned to him, rested his two hands on his shoulders, anchoring him, and Yuzuru waited for him to say anything, it was quiet and dark, and the few seconds of waiting cleared his mind from worry, welcoming what Shoma was about to say, he felt like he can completely trust it, like nothing could ever come out of Shoma’s lips other than truth, and comfort, and reassuring smiles.

“You will get through tomorrow, one thing at a time. And you will amaze them at the interview, because you are amazing”

 

.

 

He remembers his last day in Tokyo more than he remembers any day he spent in Canada, because he was so determined to savor every moment, memorize every detail, like time would stop after that day and he can only relive what he could remember from it, and part of that was true, he kept reliving that day, when he needed comfort, when he needed moments of happiness in the bleak of the Canadian winter. He kept reliving it when it stopped bringing him comfort and happiness, because it was still the truest he’s ever felt, the most he’s ever lived.

He woke up a few minutes before the alarm, his immediate reaction being reaching out to where Shoma was, or where he should’ve been, because he wasn’t there, he got out of bed to find him, and Shoma was in the kitchen, uncharacteristically awake at such an early hour, making tamago gohan, which was also uncharacteristic of him, but it was Yuzuru’s favourite to have for breakfast.

The food was ready on the table by the time Yuzuru washed up and they just sat there, eating rice, silently, too silently. Yuzuru was fighting back tears, he made sure to keep looking at his bowl, because each breath was harder to take in, each bite was harder to swallow, tears were getting harder to hold back but it was too early for tears, so he kept looking at his bowl, barely noticing when Shoma got up from his seat and squatted next to his, and quietly hugged him, and that’s when the tears came down, and then they turned to loud sobs. Shoma untangled moments later and Yuzuru saw him crying for the first time ever. It was too painful, the tears were his fault, and before he could say anything Shoma spoke, voice coming low and weak.

“It’s just a year right? The days are even countable, we’ll get through them one by one... We’ll get through them”

All Yuzuru could do was nod, and Shoma reached to wipe the stream of tears off his face with his two thumbs.

“And you’ll come for Christmas, and we’ll talk every day, and we’ll video chat”

Another nod.

“We’ll get through it”

 

.

 

The hours they spent at Shoma’s place that day before leaving for the airport were both too long and too short, the need to be strong enough for each other and not cry was suddenly impossible to accomplish, and when they were packing the last of Yuzuru’s things he gave Shoma one of the sweaters he always wore, he wished it had enough of his scent and his warmth to last Shoma the whole year. And Shoma joked about being too small to give him any sweater that would fit him, and they both let out a laugh between the tears.

The lump in Yuzuru’s throat was getting too much to bare by the time they had to leave, the bags were too heavy to hold, because he was shaking, and he was weak, and he didn’t want to leave. He rushed because he felt like if he spent one more second staring at Shoma he would change his mind on the job offer and stay. He got the one of the big bags and his backpack which had his laptop and other things, zipped his lips to stop them from trembling and reached for the door handle.

“Yuzu-“

Shoma’s voice from behind stopped him, again coming weak and shaky, with his hand reaching for Yuzuru’s wrist, clinging, stopping him from leaving, pulling him back into a kiss, just lips to lips, their breaths were heavy, their faces were wet with streams of tears, and when Shoma’s hand reached for the hair in the nape of Yuzuru’s neck, Yuzuru tightened his grip around him, and broke what would be their last kiss to rest his head on Shoma’s shoulder and cry. Only stepping back when he noticed the big wet circle he left on the back of Shoma’s shirt. It was physically painful. Looking at Shoma’s bloodshot eyes and trembling lips, Yuzuru cupped his face with his hands and whispered.

“I love you”

And it was quiet, and it was pleading, and it was asking for forgiveness for leaving Shoma, and it was asking for strength to wait for him, and for strength to share with him to make it through the year.

“I love you”

 

.

 

Yuzuru always wanted to ask Shoma why he had woken up and left bed before him that day, he always wanted to tell him he would’ve rathered to wake up and see him, for the last time he could, kiss him good morning and stay in bed with him for a little longer, it was one of the things he missed most during his stay in Canada, Shoma was not a morning person, he always woke up tired, visibly struggling to get out of bed, hair messy and mouth letting out many yawns, Yuzuru loved teasing him, waking him up with kisses and playing with his hair. He missed their mornings together more than anything, and he never told Shoma that, because he was trying to be strong, because the task of making it through the year apart meant him not making it harder for Shoma, not making it harder for himself.

But it was hard.

Too hard.

And they talked and they video chatted and it was still too hard. And then Yuzuru had extra work to do during the holidays and had to tell Shoma he couldn’t make it for Christmas, and they both had to pretend it was ok, and they both struggled more and more to find time to talk, and it was when it became normal to not talk for a day that Yuzuru knew that something was wrong, but kept trying and it kept getting harder.

His stay in Canada was prolonged for another half year, and it was during that time that things finally started breaking apart, it was too much to demand, too tiring to deal with for longer time, what was once bringing them so much happiness was now bringing them more pain, and they decided to end their relationship, in a phone call that started with logical reasons and ended in messy tears.

“I still wish I had met you earlier”

Yuzuru now understood why Shoma always said that, had it been that way, they might’ve had more time to build their relationship stronger, to make sure they would survive the distance.

Or maybe Yuzuru wouldn’t have left anyway...

There was no point thinking about it, but Yuzuru did, too much, guilt was eating him up inside and the only person who can comfort him was too far away.

He barely made it through those six months, but the thought of going back to Japan. To Tokyo, was too scary for him, it was their place, each part of it was connected to a memory of them together, and now as he was walking through the streets of the city the weight of Shoma’s absence was crushing him, he was everywhere Yuzuru looked, in every shop they had entered, in every train they had taken together, in every dark corner they had shared a kiss, and now Shoma wasn’t in the only place Yuzuru wanted him to be. By his side.

 

.

 

Karaoke nights organized by coworkers were oddly an essential part of keeping healthy relationships at work, and the fact that neither Yuzuru nor Shoma had good singing skills, or good drinking with people skills (or drinking at all for Yuzuru) didn’t help, but that didn’t stop them from going on karaoke nights with the rest, because they always enjoyed making fun of their coworkers’ drunken voices through texts.

“I once hit my brother on the knee and his high-pitched screams sounded better than this”

Shoma started, and waited for Yuzuru to read the text and laugh quietly about it. Not that Haruhi, who was too drunk and too invested in his song, would notice anyway.

They exchanged texts for a while, through the loud beat of music, and heavy smoke of cigarettes. Making fun of the singing might’ve been entertaining, but there was something eating away at Yuzuru’s mind, crawling under his skin. He wanted to leave, to escape.

He had been feeling a bit off since the start of the day, it snowed overnight and the snow looked so white, and so cold and quiet and everywhere. And his footprirnts on it seemed wandering and lost and… alone.

He skipped his morning coffee to reach the heated building as soon as he could but felt out of focus without it, and didn’t even notice when Shoma walked in his office holding a large cup of… something steaming hot.

“It might be too sweet for your liking but, you need it more than I do”

His smile was a mixture of warm, and a little bit of sarcastic. And it was that smile, and It was that cup of sweet coffee, and many other, very subtle things he often did, that made Shoma so special, and on a terrible cold day, when he was forced to work and forced to go to karaoke night, Yuzuru realized that it was having Shoma that made it… doable.

 

“Do you want to get out of here?”

He texted and waited to see Shoma’s response. It did not come written. A mouthed ‘yes please’ and a nod and Shoma quickly gathered his stuff and waited for Yuzuru’s signal.

Shoma tried to leave quietly while Yuzuru just hurried out a few minutes after him, he was fishing for his phone as he stormed out of the door so he can call Shoma but he immediately bumped into him and Shoma grabbed his shoulders to steady him. It was a fascinating thing, how Shoma was younger, shorter, smaller but seemed broader, steadier. He had a grin on his face, like he knew this would happen, like he had planned to catch Yuzuru in his arms. And Yuzuru felt like he couldn't move, like he didn’t want to move, and simply mirrored Shoma's smile, but something changed in Shoma's eyes, it was so subtle that Yuzuru couldn't quite pinpoint what it was. And then Shoma's hands moved from Yuzuru's shoulders to the sides of his neck, and then his lips were on Yuzuru's. He was taken aback and couldn't respond for a few seconds, and before he could respond Shoma's lips moved to his jaw, to his chin, to his throat, lips moist and hot, tongue hungry and sure, moving again to the side of Yuzuru's neck, his teeth bit at Yuzuru's skin and his tongue brushed against it, and a weak sound escaped the back of Yuzuru's throat. He reached and tilted Shoma's head up a little so it can meet his, and he kissed him, firmly, open mouthed, tongue quickly exploring the inside of Shoma's mouth, licking the remains of the sweet alcoholic taste, feeling the heat radiate from Shoma's skin, visible in the botch of red across his jaw and ears, he nuzzled at it, licked it, Shoma's hot breath reaching his over-sensitive skin.

"Shoma-"

His voice came muffled as his lips found Shoma's again, and Shoma let out a small groan into his mouth. Yuzuru slid his hand to the back of Shoma's neck, where the shorter bits of his hair were covered by the longer ones, and pressed closer, kissed firmer, more, more.

 

.

 

Memories are a weird thing. Yuzuru knows he's been living in his memories for a long while now. He has been all day long too. It seemed only appropriate though. Especially today.

He didn't even recognize he had walked right into the heart of the crowds. And it's like someone threw a bucket of ice cold water over his head. The voices, the lights, all the people and all the fireworks, amplified by a thousand folds.

All around him.

Overwhelming.

 

If he was asked about it he wouldn't remember, but it's exactly like it was two years ago.

Well…almost.

Same date. Same celebration. Same fireworks and crowds of people, all around and overwhelming.

All Yuzuru wanted was to crawl away to a small dark room, away from everyone and everything. Shoma lead him to a quiet place, the closest they had to a small dark room. A bench in a park, completely abandoned, where you could hear a faint distant sound of fireworks but it wouldn't bother you, where you could see no couples or families or loud teenagers around.

A quiet abandoned bench in a park where they sat until Yuzuru's mind was calm.

It was slow, but he knew he could take his time. Shoma was by his side, patient, caring, close but not too close, quiet, but fully there.

Yuzuru knew that. He knew that.

His breathing got steadier and slower. His mind clearer and calmer. And when he was ready, he finally looked up at Shoma…

A small whisper...

"I love you."

 

.

 

He should have known his feet would lead him there. He should have known he had booked a flight to arrive on that same day just so his feet can lead him there.

But he feels overwhelmed, and his heart aches, and he needs his small dark room, where he had felt the closest ever to Shoma.

This bench is theirs, and the karaoke bar is theirs, and the empty office where they shared many stolen kisses is theirs, and their apartments, and the bakery, and the streets, and every corner of Tokyo…

 

It _was_ all theirs-

 

 

There's someone sitting on their bench, which is not really their bench, or at least, it isn't right now.

Maybe it used to be, but now there's someone else sitting there and Yuzuru feels so out of place, and his chest is tight and his heart is racing. And he wants to turn back and run, take a flight back to Canada, or to Sendai , or maybe lock himself in a hotel room and cry until he's ok again.

But he doesn't turn back, and he doesn't cry or run. He lets his feet lead him again, unknowingly, and sits on the bench, next to a stranger lowering his head, and he waits for his mind to calm.

It's almost too familiar, the voices of distant fireworks almost friendly and soothing , a quiet person sitting close, but not too close.

And the endless trail of thoughts rushing through Yuzuru's mind.

He waits them out, welcomes a slightly calmer rhythm of breathing, and only then allows himself to look up.

 

It's almost too familiar...

A jacket too puffy, hair too messy and lips too chapped, and Yuzuru's eyes might be betraying him but-

 

"Shoma?"

**Author's Note:**

> This is not beta'd so I hope you don't find many mistakes.  
> All sorts of comments are more than welcomed!


End file.
